The fact that I’m doing it again because it really is impossible for me to read this book without my mind turning to Ellmann’s rhythms, the fact that I read about 30 pages this time, the fact that she still tells a story, story time, story line, outline, offensive line, the fact that she tells several stories, the fact that if you rushed and tried to move too quickly and tried to skip a few lines here or there you would miss out on some of the story, some of the story lines, smile lines, botox, robots, the fact that people are creating robots and putting them in nursing homes because there is a loneliness epidemic and older people are some of the loneliest, the fact that people are so lonely and abandoned that robots have to fill in now, the fact that we should be horrified by this, the fact that some people die alone and aren’t found for days, weeks, months, the fact that I read a devastating article in The New York Times, I think, about a man who died alone and no one knew for days or weeks or months, the fact that the article was so well-written that I googled the writer and discovered a new-to-me writer whose work I need to read, the fact that I can’t remember his name now but he wrote for the Times, I think, for something like 40 years and I had never heard of him, the fact that I haven’t heard of a lot of things or people that I should’ve heard of by now, the fact that if you read this book you really shouldn’t try to go to fast I mean too fast, I was typing too fast, go figure, figure skater, skater boy, see you later boy, boys to men, the fact that no one will stand up to him, the fact that people are addicted to power or influence or both, the fact that people rail against things like how terrible power is while they themselves are grabbing for power and influence, the fact that maybe they don’t see the hypocrisy, the fact that I’m sure as hell not going to point it out, the fact that the writer whose story I liked about the man who died alone and what happened next retired from the Times, I think, but he’s probably still writing, the fact that I wonder if there are writers out there who have stopped writing, the fact that I tried to stop writing a few times, the fact that that’s a lie, the fact is I tried to stop writing about my faith a few times but it didn’t work out, the fact that I kept writing about my faith, the fact that I started writing a novel that’s absolutely awful, the fact that there might be a few decent paragraphs here or there, the fact that I am terrible at writing fiction, the fact that some people who write fiction shouldn’t be writing fiction, or maybe they should be more willing to toss out some of their fiction and start over and over and over, the fact that I can’t believe we are leaving it to robots to care for people, to be present to people to ease their loneliness, the fact that I would feel lonelier if someone wheeled a robot into my room, or would the robot arrive alone, on its own, can robots go where they need to go without human assistance, resistance, sustenance, the fact that I haven’t had much to eat today, the fact that I was working and writing and reading instead, the fact that I finally caught up on some things I had put off for days or weeks or months, the fact that I was late sending invoices to clients, the fact that I had committed to doing some things for some people, the fact that my brain kind of shut those things out and I felt zero guilt, well maybe a little, but I told myself it was okay to wait, the fact that a few years ago I would have been too concerned about what people thought of me, the fact that I apologized a few times and hope they have forgiven me or will forgive me in the coming days or weeks or months, the fact that I kept writing about my faith when I didn’t want to because it is what I keep thinking about, the fact that I write about things I want to know, I write about things I want to believe, the fact that when I had a minor breakdown in a hotel room in Greenville, South Carolina when I was on my way to Durham, North Carolina almost two years ago I reached out to several writer friends about how I wanted to stop writing about my faith, that I wanted to write a novel, that the Christian publishing world was too much, the fact that I didn’t want to play the game, the fact that only one of the people I reached out to that night told me I should keep writing about my faith, the fact that she’s not a Christian, the fact that she told me my words were worthy of being written down, or being read…

*This was originally posted in 2019.

Charlotte Donlon is a writer, a spiritual director for writers, and the founder and host of the Our Faith in Writing podcast and website. Charlotte’s writing and work are rooted in noticing how art helps us belong to ourselves, others, God, and the world. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post, The Curator, The Christian Century, Christianity Today, Catapult, The Millions, Mockingbird, and elsewhere. Her first book is The Great Belonging: How Loneliness Leads Us to Each Other. You can subscribe to her newsletter and connect with her onTwitter and Instagram.