The fact that I was only able to read 10 pages just now, the fact that I love this book so much but it makes me so tired, or did something else make me tired and I only noticed it while I was reading this book, the fact that I finished the final chapter of my book this afternoon, swoon, spoon, peanut butter spoon, the fact that I never call a spoon full of peanut butter a peanut butter spoon, the fact that “a spoon full of peanut butter” sounds better to me, not the last chapter in the book, it’s actually closer to the beginning, but it’s the last chapter that I needed to write, the fact that I feel like I’ve written two books instead of one, the fact that I wrote the first draft so fast because I needed to do it, I needed to do the thing and get to the part where I could work on revisions, the fact that I wrote so much that I would later delete, the fact that the book is better now, after the amputations and the prosthetics, the fact that I just noticed my ear is hurting and when my ear hurts it makes me feel like a child, the fact that I had so many earaches as a child, the fact that I had something like three sets of tubes put in my ears as a child, the fact that my left ear has so much scar tissue inside it that I can’t wear some brands of earbuds because they cause me pain, the fact that some people say we shouldn’t eat peanut butter, the fact that plain peanut butter by itself without anything else is not my preference, the fact that I need something to help me not choke on it, the fact that I can feel tired while I’m reading and then I start writing and I have more energy, energy bars, energy drinks, energy pyramid, the fact that I should probably read the book earlier in the day so I can read more pages without getting tired, the fact that I get a bit of a panicky feeling every time I pick it up and open it because I know I won’t finish it before it’s due back to the library, hush, shush, quiet, the fact that I’ve been going to the library to work on my book and one day while I was at the library working on my book a couple sat at the other end of my table and I was tempted to ask them if they should be in a hotel room instead, the fact that people would actually do those things in a library, at my table, at like ten thirty in the morning on a Tuesday, the fact that I finally left because they were so distracting and why was his hand in her lap, gross, the fact that my local library is being expanded right now, the fact that every time I go work at the library I forget about the construction, banging, clanging, drilling, hush, shush, quiet, the fact that sometimes I go and it’s perfectly quiet, quiet as a mouse, the fact that maybe the construction workers are on break or at a different job site, the fact that when I smell sawdust I remember when we were renovating the kitchen and bathroom in our first house years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter and had terrible morning sickness, the fact that the smell of sawdust can still make me feel a little sick to my stomach, the fact that I hated being pregnant, both times, the fact that I loved birthing my children, both times, The New York Times, Times Square, the fact that I didn’t know Times Square was named after The New York Times until we went to New York a few years ago and we were staying near Times Square because that’s where the Marriott is that has some of the largest hotel rooms in the city, the fact that we were walking around and I saw The New York Times building and I was like, “Oh, that makes sense now,” the fact that there are so many things that I don’t know, so many things that I will never know, World’s First Portable Hand Printer That Can Print On Any Surface, October’s Most Anticipated Books, Are You Wishing Time Away, another shooting, another shooting, the fact that there will always be another shooting and why won’t they do anything about it, the fact that I keep checking my email for responses about some pitches I sent out even though it’s Sunday, the fact that I doubt any editors will email me on a Sunday, fun day, day of the dead, daylight savings…

*This was originally posted in 2019.

Charlotte Donlon is a writer, a spiritual director for writers, and the founder and host of the Our Faith in Writing podcast and website. Charlotte’s writing and work are rooted in noticing how art helps us belong to ourselves, others, God, and the world. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post, The Curator, The Christian Century, Christianity Today, Catapult, The Millions, Mockingbird, and elsewhere. Her first book is The Great Belonging: How Loneliness Leads Us to Each Other. You can subscribe to her newsletter and connect with her onTwitter and Instagram.