A More Ordinary Grief
What does it look like when the initial, intense, consuming grief recedes a bit and the more normal, ordinary grief finds its home inside of us?
This is what it’s like for me. This is what it’s like for my grief to become more of the sort of grief that will be with me for a very long time. This is what yesterday was like.
I was on our living room sofa less, but still very much on our living room sofa.
I had another FaceTime appointment with my therapist who’s also my psychiatrist because she’s brilliant. We talked about how the 2020 narrative does not need to have a storyline with me in an inpatient psychiatric facility.
I washed my hair.
I prayed.
I read a fantastic short story and even underlined some literary elements that stood out to me.
I wrote 170 words of an essay. (It’s a start!)
I took a walk.
I listened to old voice messages from my dad that are still on my phone, thank God.
I prayed again.
I drank too much coffee.
I daydreamed a bit about some things I want to write. I emailed myself some notes about some things I want to write
I thought about a few of the ways I’m still connected to my dad.
I thought about a few of the ways I’m connected to other people in my grief and loss and pain.
I thought about a few of the ways I’m connected to God in my suffering.
I attended part of a Zoom literary event and got to listen to three of my favorite writers talk about writing and the pandemic.
I talked to my husband about my dad and the ways we still talk to him.
I cried. But not as much. Not as often.
I texted with my mom. I checked on her and we talked about my dad and his death and his life and the plans for their pets.
I made some popcorn the old fashioned way at 10:30 at night because I was hungry after not being hungry for so many days and I was craving popcorn and I figured why not.
I slept.
Charlotte Donlon is a writer, a spiritual director for writers, and the founder and host of the Our Faith in Writing podcast and website. Charlotte’s writing and work are rooted in noticing how art helps us belong to ourselves, others, God, and the world. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post, The Curator, The Christian Century, Christianity Today, Catapult, The Millions, Mockingbird, and elsewhere. Her first book is The Great Belonging: How Loneliness Leads Us to Each Other. You can subscribe to her newsletter and connect with her onTwitter and Instagram.